


All I Ever Wanted

by Jerry_Larchive



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-09-28 07:45:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10079969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jerry_Larchive/pseuds/Jerry_Larchive
Summary: It may have been his idea but Jackson is struggling to find himself after the divorce. He seeks help from an unlikely source and is forced to relive some of the events that led up to his fateful decision to end his marriage.





	1. Conversation

**Author's Note:**

> Although I love April Kepner, I am obsessed with exploring Japril from Jackson's perspective.  
> Hope you like it. Comments, good, bad, indifferent are always welcome.

They walked wearily toward the car after a busy 12 hour shift, Harriet gurgling in her car seat as Jackson swung it between them.

“I am so exhausted!” said April. “I thought this day would never end.”

Jackson nodded his head in agreement but said nothing. Once Harriet was buckled safely into the back seat, Jackson slid into the drivers seat and reached to start the car. He's in his own world tonight, thought April.

“Why don't I order some takeout and we'll pick it up on the way home?” she suggested.

Jackson snapped out of his reverie.

“Uh, sure, order something for yourself and we'll pick it up.”

“You're not going to eat?” she asked. Jackson not being hungry was unheard of, especially after a long day.

“No, I've got something I need to do. I might grab something later. Or eat whatever you have leftover.” April was notorious for ordering a lot of food then eating only a tiny portion of it. Except pizza. She could put away pizza with the best of them.

“OK.” she answered as he pulled out into the street. She looked at him carefully. He didn't return her gaze, which almost always meant he was hiding something from her.

She knew she should let him have his private secret but she felt uneasiness about it. He had recently discovered she was using Tinder to try dating again and had admitted it made him uncomfortable. He'd gone out of his way to assure her that it was his problem and she shouldn't let it affect her efforts to put herself out there again. She was uncertain how much to read into his discomfort, aware of her own internal struggles to find a new normal with her ex.

A sudden thought occurred to her. He's got a date of his own! She felt a pang of fear. She couldn't decide if it was simply jealousy on her own part, or a fear that it might become serious enough to upset the delicate balance that was their current living situation. She knew she wouldn't be able to bear living with Jackson once he had a new woman in his life.

Little did she know that Jackson shared the same fear; that April would inevitably find another man to share her life with and that would require him to relinquish space there that he wasn't ready to give up, divorce or not.

April was spot on about Jackson trying to keep a secret from her. And it did involve meeting a woman. In fact, this would be the second such secret tryst. And while it wasn't exactly what April feared, he had good reason to keep her in the dark about it if he could. April would have been flabbergasted to know who he was meeting with. And probably perplexed. And no doubt mad as hell.

After picking up Chinese at her favorite takeout, Jackson helped April get Harriet into the house and settled. April, to her credit, resisted the urge to probe further, and Jackson wished them both a good night and slipped back out into the night.

“Does April know you're meeting with me?” asked the woman.

“No.” answered Jackson. “I think it would be too weird for her. I think it's too weird for me, frankly.” 

“I understand. I will say, it is unusual for me to meet with a client after a divorce. especially as, by your own admission, it was you who called the marriage counseling a failure and demanded the divorce.” Involuntarily, Jackson winced at that. Not a day went by when Jackson didn't question his decision to end counseling and file for divorce. Certainly he regretted it after he discovered April was pregnant again. That had been a bomb he couldn't possibly have foreseen. He probably should have better anticipated the other cause for his remorse, that whenever he was around her, at work or at home, he would catch himself looking at her, and have to acknowledge feelings that he knew he shouldn't have but couldn't rid himself of.

“Well, right or wrong, it happened and I can't go back and undo it.”

“And if you could?” asked the Dr. Kim Dawson.

“As doctors we're trained to avoid the hypothetical. It just gets in the way of reality.” answered Jackson, artfully dodging the question. He had made that bit up. The truth was, hypotheticals had plagued his marriage and he wanted nothing further to do with them.

The marriage therapist nodded imperceptibly. She had been counseling long enough to know that not answering a question was an answer in itself. Jackson Avery was a tough case. Brilliant, and carrying a ton of personal baggage, he was a challenge. He guarded himself in a manner that was honed through a lifetime of dealing with an absent father and a mother who could be overwhelming. In the four weeks of marriage counseling she hadn't been able to crack his armor. April's either for that matter. It had been clear from the outset that both had come to counseling with the expectation that she would side with them. April clearly had a 'divorce is not an option' mindset while Jackson teetered back and forth, badly wanting to forgive April for the wrongs and shortcomings he perceived, and ultimately being unable to do so. Frustrated when neither was able to win her over, the four sessions had devolved into a circular argument in which neither party could find any ground to give and even she had to admit counseling wasn't providing much value.

They obviously had this enormous passion for each other. Ironically, she found it to be counterproductive in that they couldn't keep from being intimate with each other even as their marriage entered its death throes. She had experienced similar with another couple from SGSM that she had tried unsuccessfully to counsel.

Their passion also had lent devastating force to each blow of each fight. They were almost too much in love to deal effectively with their issues. She remembered feeling a little saddened by this and couldn't help feeling she had failed them.

When Jackson reached out to her a month ago asking to come see her, she was a bit stunned. She almost tried to talk him out of it but then she remembered that sadness she had felt and decided she would meet with him, once anyway.

Not long into that first meeting she was struck by how he had changed in the year since she had last seen him. Gone was the Jackson Avery whose anger waited just below the surface, ready to erupt at the first mention of Jordan, or Samuel's death, or anything really. He had been a wounded animal then, unable or unwilling to accept any help for the hurt he had suffered. In his place was a Jackson who seemed more at peace with himself, and April too, although she feared that this peace was an ephemeral thing. It seemed to her practiced eye that he had finally just gained control over his anger and pushed it down into a deep dark place and in doing so, had given up hope of ever really resolving it for good.

The life Jackson described now seemed like a temporary reprieve at best. The birth of Harriet had brought about a common cause between Jackson and April that enabled them to live together in relative harmony, which absolutely shocked her and set off all kinds of alarm bells. This arrangement couldn't possibly end well, could it? Certainly not without the two of them confronting what drove them apart in the first place. Would that happen? Did they even want to try? And would it happen in time, before some other event pushed it beyond the realm of possibility?

“Well then,” she continued, “what non-hypothetical thing would you like to talk about tonight?”

As she expected, Jackson merely shrugged and stayed silent. He would never be the one to voluntarily expose himself emotionally. Fortunately she had been skilled enough to discover the chink in his armor.

“How's Harriet? Got any new pictures?” To use a medical metaphor, Jackson's daughter provided the central line to bypass his defenses and get right to his heart.

She smiled as Jackson's wariness and guard melted away to a smile that animated his handsome face. As he swiped through the dozen or so pictures that he had taken in the week since he had last visited her, he talked about how fast his daughter was growing, how happy she was, and how much of a challenge to their sleep she remained. Almost every picture also featured a smiling April she noted. Had she not known their history she would have sworn she was looking at pictures of a happy young family. She fought down the pang of sadness that suddenly surfaced in her mind again.

As Jackson closed his photos app she thought about the best way to exploit this temporary opening that Harriet had provided. “Last time you mentioned that you had actually asked April to marry you twice?”

She could almost see the shields come partially up.

“Thats right.”

“Can you tell me about that first time?”

“Why is that relevant?” Jackson asked. Clearly something about that event still troubled him.

“To understand where you are today it is helpful to know how you got here.”

Jackson seemed to accept that. “We were friends for a long time. And then...” Jackson hesitated, “then we became lovers. It was complicated. April had a hard time with it because, well, because she had promised God she would wait until she was married and then, well, we happened. She thought it was just sex. And I guess I did too, at first anyway. But then,” Jackson paused again, remembering,” then I realized that it was more than that for me. I guess I realized that I had always felt something for her. I don't know if it was always love or what but I was definitely in love with her by then. And I told her.. sort of. But I guess she didn't understand or couldn't or something. Anyway, she thought she might be pregnant and we were both scared but I realized that I wanted her. I wanted a life with her. Baby or no baby. And I told her and she seemed to want it too but then, when we found out she wasn't pregnant she was so relieved not to have to marry me.” Jackson's voice trailed off. “

What happened then?” asked the counselor.

“We broke it off.”

The counselor had a hunch and played it. “We?” she asked.

“I, I broke it off. She didn't want me. She didn't want me the way I wanted her. She didn't love me the way I loved her.”

“How did she react?”

“She didn't fight me about it, if thats what you're asking. It was only after she basically pushed me into the arms of another woman that she even told me she missed being with me. By then it was too late. I wasn't going to dump Stephanie just because April was uncomfortable about me moving on. I mean I was trying to do the right thing, for both of us.”

“Sounds like things were a little uncomfortable at work between you two.”

“Yes. It took awhile but eventually it seemed like we got back to being friends. But then she had someone and got engaged and there was a whole lot of drama about that.”

“What kind of drama?”

“Look, she had just basically refused to marry me and now she was engaged to another guy. How do you suppose that made me feel?”

“You still had feelings for her?”

Jackson got up from his chair and paced the small room. “Of course I did. I told you I loved her. I couldn't just turn those feelings off. I tried, believe me. And then there was an incident and she thought I had died and then suddenly she was telling me she wanted me and that she would end her engagement if I wanted her. How f-ed up is that?” Angry Jackson was back, pacing now like a caged animal.

“Did you want her?”

“Of course I did! I told you I still loved her. But I was so mad at her too. She was engaged! I couldn't believe she was putting this on me. I said some things. Some hard things. I told her she should marry the guy or not but to leave me out of it. I just couldn't be part of it anymore. It was too painful. So, next thing I know she's squared things with the guy and we're back to being friends and then her wedding is happening and even I think I'm good with it. Until I'm standing there in the middle of the church, in front of Stephanie, Matt and all their family and friends and telling her I love her and asking her if she loves me. And I think you know that story already and you definitely know how it ends.”

Like changing a shirt, sad Jackson replaced angry Jackson. The seconds ticked by in the silent room. Dawson waited a few moments to see if Jackson had any more to say but he had fallen silent. Shields up again perhaps.

“What made you do it?” asked the counselor.

“Do what?” Jackson asked.

“Stand up in that church. After all that time?”

Jackson appeared to consider the question. He began, thought better of it, then proceeded.

“I realized that I loved her. In spite of everything I loved her. And the happiest moments of my life were the moments I'd spent with her. The hardest too, but definitely the happiest. And I guess it finally hit me that if I wanted to have any chance of having her with me, of having that happiness again, I'd better take a shot.”

“Despite the risk?” the counselor asked.

Jackson nodded. “Despite the risk.” he acknowledged.

“Despite the chance that it would burn your life to the ground?' she asked.

Jackson's head snapped around, the expression on his face indescribable. “What? What did you say?”

Kim Dawson had no idea why but she was aware that Jackson had been jolted.

“Well you must have known that you were taking a huge chance there. She could have said no and think where that would have left you.”

“Burned to the ground.” Jackson whispered.

Silence filled the room. The counselor watched Jackson carefully. He was clearly struggling with emotions and feelings unearthed by this recollection. He was in the open. He was vulnerable. This was her best chance.

“Jackson, why did you decide divorce was the answer?”

Again, Jackson's head snapped around. But this time she could clearly read the expression on his face. _Deer in the headlights_ she thought.

 

 


	2. Say It Loud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson is forced to question his decision to end his marriage and is confronted with a challenging perspective

“Jackson, why did you decide divorce was the answer?” Dawson's question hung in the air.

Jackson was reeling. A few seconds ago the counselor had used the exact same expression Sloan had used in soliciting a final promise from Jackson.

“I want you to promise me something.” Sloan had said, the last time they spoke. “If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it will cause problems. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it and you say it loud. And then you go from there.”

Sloan had died a short time later, depriving Jackson of the teacher, mentor, and best father figure he had known in his life. To this day, Jackson sought to keep alive Sloan's ridiculous “Plastics Posse” name for his department at the hospital.

It was this promise to Sloan that had inspired him to take the biggest gamble of his life, proclaiming his love for April, and asking for hers in return. And it had paid off, big time, at least for awhile.

But now this counselor was asking him why he had felt he had to call it, to end what he had begun on that day, following that promise. And right now, none of the reasons he had argued to April and himself seemed to carry much weight. But he couldn't bring himself to admit that. The consequences of admitting that were too harsh, too painful, too full of regret. So he resigned himself to go down fighting a fight he wasn't sure he believed in anymore. A fight from a war lost long ago now. Jackson slumped back down in his chair.

“When Samuel died, we were both..., wounded. I needed her help to heal. And I wanted to help her heal as well. To me, that is what marriage is all about. It's being there for each other. I know April and I disagree about a lot of things. But I always thought we wanted the same things in marriage. But when April left, twice, I might add, I realized that we had very different ideas about marriage too. It wasn't an easy decision to make. I admit that I go back and forth and question it to this day. But in the end, it seemed to me that our marriage was based on such different expectations that even if we stuck it out then, eventually it would crumble away. And by then, there would probably be children. And I know what that feels like.”

“So you're saying you surrendered to the inevitable?”

Jackson bounced up out of his chair again and stood directly in front of Dawson.

"She LEFT me. TWICE! Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love, who supposedly loves you, just abandon you when you need them the most?"

The counselor slowly shook her head.

“I was trying to limit the damage. For both our sakes.”

“What about when she came back? She fought to save your marriage.”

“Too little too late. Excuses, not apologies. Not sincere ones anyway. She wouldn't listen. She couldn't hear. The first time I could've maybe learned to forgive. But the second, oh no, she knew exactly what she was throwing away by going back. She knew because I told her."

"Didn't she try to get you to go with her?"

"So what? I couldn't go. I have responsibilities, patients who needed me."

Jackson paused.

"April doesn't even know but I actually tried to go with her. I had a ticket and everything. Had my plastics colleague all lined up to take my patients. Even made a last minute dash to the airport. But traffic sucked and I missed my light rail connection to SeaTac and the doors had closed by the time I made it to the gate. So yeah, I made the frickin effort. I held up my end. Yeah, so if you're thinking you can pin the divorce all on me then you'd better come up with a different plan. My conscience is clear."

Dawson looked at Jackson carefully, wondering if he really believed his last statement.

"And yet she came back. And even you have to admit she fought hard to save the marriage and there were times when you wavered yourself."

"She fought hard." Jackson acknowledged. "And yes, there were times I was unsure of what I wanted. There were times where we were together eating or something and I could forget about Jordan, and when we were TOGETHER together."

"Didn't you mention something about a boy and his hands during the marriage counseling?"

"Kamal, yes!" Jackson smiled. "That's a good example. I went from being totally pissed off at her to being so grateful to her for bringing him to me and her faith in me."

Jackson remembered vividly, catching April in the corridor after the surgery, thanking her and the welcome surprise of her falling into his arms, stroking her hair as they embraced. He wondered what might have been had Riggs not appeared when he did. If he had taken April up on her barely uttered offer to send Riggs off and come with him instead? He had come so close to accepting. What had stopped him? The fear that with his guard down she might convince him that she deserved another chance? That he might be forced to acknowledge that he still loved her with all his heart? But he wasn't going to admit any of this to anyone. He could scarcely admit it to himself.

"But whenever I came back to reality and remembered what had happened, I realized that I couldn't let my emotions overrule my good sense. Besides, for every Kamal moment, there was a fortune cookie moment, and I was reminded that April wants what she wants and has a hard time considering other peoples point of view."

Both Dawson and Jackson knew that, while April did have a tendency to be single minded in pursuit of a goal, a trait that had gotten her nicknamed "The Machine" in Jordan, she by no means had the corner on the stubbornness market in her relationship to Jackson.

"And that's especially true if you're talking about God or religion or something like divorce."

"Are you saying April was opposed to divorce in principal?"

"That's putting it lightly. Does it surprise you that two people who have different ideas about marriage would also differ about divorce?”

“So you think that it was the idea of the divorce itself that she fought against?”

“What else would I think?”

“I just wonder if you considered the possibility that she was fighting for you? Fighting to win you back? That it was her turn to stand up and say I love you, even while her life was burning around her?”

Jackson swallowed hard. He hadn't actually thought of it that way. And now he didn't want to. Because in that scenario, his answer to April had been a resounding _No._

 


	3. Tension on the Homefront

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As usual, its one step forward, two steps back.  
> Between Jackson's secret counseling appointments, things go sideways for Jackson and April.  
> Then, a cancellation leads to a revelation.

As he drove home Jackson reflected on the session he'd just completed with Dawson. Thoughts tumbled and tripped over each other. Had he missed something? Had he overthought the situation? Should he have paid more attention to what his heart had been telling him and less to what his head had? Had he made a mistake? A huge, horrible mistake?

What if Dawson was right? What if April had just been asking for the same thing he had asked of her; to put the hurt and pain behind them and give their love a chance? The thought caused such a pain in the pit of his stomach that he knew he wouldn't be eating any leftovers tonight, despite April having finally made a leftover fan of him.

The house was quiet when he got home. As usual when he returned home, he first checked on Harriet. She was sleeping soundly, thankfully, in her crib. Mindful of the fact that April would have the monitor on next to her bed, he crept quietly to his daughter's crib and looked down at her. Jackson was always surprised by how much his love for his daughter physically affected him. He couldn't help but look at her as she slept peacefully and smile. And, as usual, he reluctantly acknowledged, he could feel his eyes misting up a little, as though the love he had for Harriet couldn't be contained from overflowing him.

“Goodnight baby. I love you.” he whispered to her and, carefully bending down, he gently kissed her forehead. Finally he turned and crept out of her room to go find his own bed and get a few hours of sleep before it all began again.

Down the hall, in her own bed, April listened and smiled. With a mother's superpower to detect and waken at the slightest out of the ordinary sound in her baby's room, April always heard Jackson when he checked in on Harriet. These were April's favorite baby monitor moments. She would hear his footsteps brushing across the carpet despite his efforts to be stealthy, his breathing unconsciously falling into sync with his daughters, and his declaration and kiss, assuring Harriet that he would always be the first man to ever love her. Then she would hear him retreat. It was always the same. And it always stirred in her breast the love she still held for the father of her daughter. It was a love she couldn't deny, no matter how much effort she made to do so. Neither could she stop herself in persisting in the vain hope that Jackson might one night stop by her door as well.

It would not be long though before those tender feelings toward her ex were challenged in a big way.

“My transplant was a big success. Thanks for asking.”

“You mean Minnick's transplant?”

“Yeah, Minnick's transplant. Never seen residents learn the way that they did today. It was inspiring.”

And with that, April withdrew to her room, but not before exchanging angry glares with Jackson.

The whole Minnick drama has really messed things up for us, she reflected. It had started so well, too. Together they had rallied most of the surgical staff to the defense of Richard, who had been pushed out of his role guiding the training of the residents, in favor of Minnick and her ideas about fast tracking the resident's surgical experiences. But that alliance had soon been fractured when Meredith was suspended for her defiance of Bailey's edict regarding Minnick. Bailey, with a hospital to run, turned to April to fill in as Chief of General Surgery, a call which April had answered, putting aside personal partisanship for the good of the hospital and loyalty to Bailey.

She had failed to anticipate the backlash from her former compatriots though. And she most certainly failed to anticipate Jackson's reaction. Where a week ago he had seemed to be making every effort to improve their relationship, he had instantly turned cold toward her and treated her particularly viciously.

April had been entirely blindsided. While she understood a certain degree of disappointment from the others about her perceived betrayal of the cause, she had assumed Jackson would understand, and if not defend her, at least respect her enough to accept her reasons. But she found nothing of the sort. His accusations against her had persisted throughout the week, never missing an opportunity to express his displeasure at her choice. When she had confronted him for his lack of regard for her, he had no answer.

It had been intolerable but in a most ironic twist, it had also led to a better relationship with Catherine, his mother. She had gone so far as to tell April that Jackson had never had to make any hard choices, like she and April had faced. And she suggested the most unlikeliness of possibilities, that she and April were more alike than anyone could imagine.

While past experiences with Catherine might have made April consider that a grievous insult, she had understood what Catherine had been driving at; that April was like her in the best of ways; strong, able to see the big picture, and act on it, despite the cost.

And Catherine Avery also revealed to April plans she had for making use of April's talents. She wanted April to step up to a larger role in the Harper Avery Foundation. And while Jackson was displaying a distinct lack of respect for April's abilities, his mother was doing the exact opposite.

When Jackson became aware of this, it added fuel to the fire. Things escalated to the point that Jackson accused April of being his mother's minion, to which Catherine responded by publicly calling out Jackson for his unsuitability to step into a leadership role with the Foundation.

So April and Jackson's fragile relationship had quickly deteriorated to the point that April was seriously considering moving Harriet and herself out of Jackson's house. And that's the way things stood that morning in his kitchen as April hastily got her lunch ready while he showered. She desperately wanted to be gone before he emerged from the bathroom as every interaction with him had become hostile and painful.

As she put her small salad container into her bag, Jackson's cellphone, charging on the counter, buzzed and lit up with an incoming call. Instinctively April glanced at it and was shocked to see the name appearing on the screen.

Why in the world would Kim Dawson be calling Jackson? Kim Dawson, the marriage counselor who Jackson had given up on after just four counseling sessions. She remembered chasing him through the hospital with the divorce papers in hand, demanding to know why he had given up after just four sessions. His answer? It wasn't working. Counseling wasn't working. He had decided on divorce.

That had been over a year ago. Why would Dawson be calling him now? April could hear the shower still going. Jackson liked to take long showers. She knew she should let the call go to voicemail.

“Hello” she answered after a moment's hesitation. I mean really, she rationalized, how much worse can things get between us?

“Oh, hello. Is this Mr Avery?”

“Mr Avery is unavailable.”

“Oh, of course, then this must be Mrs Avery?”

April let her draw her own conclusion.

“How can I help you?” she asked.

“I'm calling on behalf of Dr Dawson. She has been called away on a family emergency and will be unable to meet with you and your husband tonight as scheduled. Would you like to reschedule your appointment?”

April noticed her hand was shaking.

“No, no, not at this time. Let me talk to my … husband and we'll call back.”

“Alright, very good. If you decide to skip this week, we'll expect you for your regularly scheduled weekly appointment next Wednesday at 8PM.”

“Fine, thank you.” April hung up the call and carefully placed the phone back on the counter.

She closed her eyes for a few seconds. Jackson had a standing weekly appointment with the marriage counselor. The same marriage counselor he had declared not to be working. He was going to a marriage counselor even though he no longer had a marriage to counsel. More than a year after deciding that it was a waste of his time to go to counseling to save his marriage to April, he was now invested in counseling to what? Move on from his long-dead marriage, which he had stuck the knife into by the way? Get some sort of closure? Convince Doctor Dawson that it was all April's fault? What? What the hell was he doing?

April quickly grabbed her things and Harriet and made for the door. She had to get out. She couldn't be there when he came out of the bathroom. She couldn't be near the kitchen and the sharp knives. As she drove to the hospital she took grim satisfaction that Jackson would likely show up for his eight o'clock appointment tonight and find Dawson's office dark and empty.

 


	4. Hostilities Continue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Learning of Jackson's secret counseling sessions pushes April into a dangerous escalation.

Jackson closed his car door and pressed the button on his key fob. He heard the beep, confirming the locks had been engaged. He noted April's car in it's customary parking slot and half hoped she would be asleep or otherwise removed to her room already so he would not have to endure another awkward and painful encounter. But the other half of him was spoiling for a fight after April's action this evening.

Everything about their relationship was messy right now. Just when Dawson had him questioning his perceptions and the decisions that had led to the divorce, April had betrayed the cause, had betrayed him, and it brought back feelings he had hoped were buried forever. He found himself barely able to be in the same hospital with her, much less the same house after hours.

They could only achieve an uneasy truce around Harriet anymore and even in that context, Jackson was waiting in fear for the other shoe to drop. He had heard rumors around the hospital that April had been floating the idea of moving out with their daughter. While he had never expected their current arrangement would be anything like permanent, it hurt his heart to think of not having his daughter living in his house. But today, April had crossed the line and involved Harriet in their drama.

He wouldn't admit it to himself or anyone else either but he dreaded April leaving too. Even in their current state of emotional warfare, the thought of her elsewhere depressed and saddened him. He just had no earthly idea how to reverse the downward spiral they found themselves in. It was with hopes that Dawson might that he arrived at her office at 7:57 only to find it dark and unoccupied.

That Dawson had canceled his appointment without any notification only added to his sour mood. He again checked his voicemail but found nothing from her. He never thought to check his call history or he might have noticed a call from her office at just after 7:30 that morning.

He opened the door and paused briefly when he saw April sitting on the couch. Taking a deep breath, Jackson entered, closing the door behind him. At the sound of his entrance, April turned and looked over her shoulder. Her expression wasn't particularly friendly. This didn't surprise him too much.

While they had, for the most part, managed to avoid each other over the course of the day, they did happen to see each other in the cafeteria, where April ate her salad from it's plastic container while his mother ate her lunch and they chatted about Minnick's latest success. There was no way for April to miss the daggers Jackson had thrown her way, nor for him to miss the shade she directed his. At one point his mother shook her head at him with obvious displeasure. Apparently April wasn't being too shy about sharing her unhappiness with her roommate, even with his own mother.

But the final straw had been earlier in the evening. All afternoon, Jackson had been dreading a confrontation when they would see each other in daycare. Today, April would be the one taking Harriet home, as she had the earlier shift. But their tradition, never deviated from, was that they would meet in daycare regardless so that Harriet would always leave it with both her parents in attendance. Around 5, Jackson began checking his phone for the text that would tell him that April was on her way to daycare. By 5:30 it still hadn't appeared. Perhaps she got stuck in a late surgery, he thought. When six o'clock rolled around and there was still no text, Jackson had gone up to daycare himself.

Informed by the daycare attendant that April had picked up Harriet promptly at five, Jackson was barely able to restrain his anger. It seethed throughout the hour that he had left. When he left the hospital at seven to make his way to Dawson's office, he was still trying to contain himself at what he saw as an unwarranted nuclear escalation on April's part. Underneath the anger though, Jackson also felt fear. If things had progressed to this point, how much longer before April took Harriet and herself elsewhere? And if that happened, Jackson wasn't sure all the counseling in the world would help fill the hole in his life.

Jackson laid his satchel on the kitchen counter as he passed by. He had started using it back when they were still married and April had teased him about carrying a purse. They had playfully negotiated a name for the thing, finally settling on _satchel_ after ruling out _murse, Jackpack,_ and _metrosackual_. But they were far removed from that sort of negotiation now.

Jackson had debated how he would confront April about the daycare provocation if given a chance. He'd considered a number of approaches from open antagonism to treading carefully and finally opted for the latter.

“Hey.”

April's expression never altered. “Hey.”

“Missed you at daycare today.”

“Yes, you did.”

“So, was that intentional? Your way of punishing me for something?” Jackson maintained his position at the edge of the living room. He saw April was halfway through a glass of wine. She looked comfortably uncomfortable in her pajamas, with her feet drawn up underneath her. Her expression remained locked and loaded.

“Punishing you?” she repeated, as though trying the phrase on for size. “Is there a reason I should be punishing you, aside from the juvenile comments you've been making, the crappy way you've been treating me, and the absolute disrespect you've shown me all week?”

When April was angry, really angry, her eyes would darken and become almost glittery. Jackson was familiar with this from his long experience both observing and causing it. And he recognized it now. He forced himself to keep his own anger in check. If he were to give in to his own temper with her like this, the result would be volcanic, and not in a good way. Still, he couldn't just tuck tail and retreat. Not when he was in the right and she was so obviously wrong.

“Still insisting that betraying Richard and abandoning everyone else was the right move, huh?” Especially me. Again. And again.

“Still can't accept the fact that the hospital still has to function, that Meredith was wrong to leave it, that Bailey came to me because I'm exactly the right person to step in, and that all your little rebellion has done is allow Minnick to prove that her method works? Grow up Jackson, you're only hurting Richard now.”

“Now why does that sound like my mother talking? Oh, wait, that's right, because it is. Lately, whenever I see your lips moving, all I hear is my mother's voice.”

“You need some new material, Jackson, that crap is getting old and it was never much good to begin with. Maybe you should get some help. No, wait, Jackson Avery doesn't need any help. He's smarter than everybody else. He doesn't need to hear from anyone else to decide when to begin or end things. ” Like a marriage.

“And now you're sneaking Harriet out of daycare behind my back to get back at me.”

That got April up off the couch in a hurry. “I'm not the one sneaking anything. And I didn't do anything to punish you. I just wanted to avoid another fight in daycare. Don't pretend you wanted to meet me there.”

She had a point there, Jackson conceded. He had wanted to, but hadn't as well. Still, it seemed as though another thread that had tied them together had been severed. As angry as he was, that still scared and saddened him.

“Well, I wish you would have warned me.” he replied.

“There's a lot of missing communication between us these days.” April answered. “But I should have warned you.” she admitted, making a somewhat conciliatory gesture.

Jackson, not realizing that April had discovered his counseling engagement, entirely missed the hints she had been dropping about it.

His phone buzzed. His mother was calling him. He absolutely didn't want April to overhear this conversation.

“Uh, I've got to take this.”

April sighed. “Fine. We're done here anyway.”

Jackson wondered if she was making a deeper statement than appeared on the surface. But he needed to get this call. It very well could relate to an earlier email he had received about a case in Montana. Jackson rushed to his room and closed the door behind him.

April stared down the hall after him. Things were spinning out of control with him and she was at a loss for how to bring it back.

The following day, things got worse.

With Meredith's return, April relinquished the position of Interim Chief of General Surgery. It was hard for her not to look at it as a demotion for she had enjoyed the job, despite Jackson and his cohorts, and felt she was a good fit for it. Catherine gave her a pep talk that eased the pain somewhat. But the real cure for her bruised ego came when Catherine suggested April accompany her to Chicago to review the Avery Trauma Center there and suggest some improvements.

Won't Jackson be pleased to hear about this? April thought. He had made no secret of how he felt about his mother becoming closer to April and getting her involved with the Harper Avery Foundation. Just another example of how much he undervalues my talents, April reflected.

This positive development was soon overshadowed by a day long fight between April, Jackson, Catherine, and Richard, ostensibly about how to treat a severely injured patient, but managing to interweave every bit of the personal and political squabbling that had divided the four surgeons. During the course of the surgery the Chicago plan was revealed, with Jackson having just the reaction April had predicted. The divide only widened.

Finally, at the end of the long day, April stepped into the living room to retrieve something she had left behind. Jackson was on the couch, his laptop screen displaying film of a large tumor invading a throat.

Taking a quick glance over his shoulder April indicated the picture and asked "That's one nasty throat tumor. En bloc resection?"

Startled, Jackson hastily closed his laptop. "Maybe Maybe." Jackson answered, rubbing the beard stubble on his chin. "Got a patient up at the Avery Hospital in Montana." He sighed as he placed his coffee mug on the nearby table. "Might have to go out there for a consult."

"Huh." April sat down.

"Huh, what?" asked Jackson.

"I'm going to an Avery hospital. Now you're going to an Avery hospital." Her implication was clear.

Jackson didn't appreciate it. "Oh, come on, really", he scoffed. "Yeah, it's not that."

"Are you... are you jealous, is that it?"

"Jealous of my mom manipulating you? No."

"Oh, stop. I'm not some puppet. I have my own brain. I have my own opinions. Working with your mom and the Foundation, it's full of opportunities for me. And I get that you never wanted that and that's fine. But she sees something in me."

"Alright, I'm going to bed." answered Jackson, getting up from the couch and passing her on the way to his room.

April turned to watch him pass, wondering what had happened to the Jackson that just a couple of weeks ago had been urging her to _get to dippin_ and give a date a second chance.

"What is going on with you?" she asked.

"Nothing is going on with me. Just leave it alone." he responded harshly.

"Jackson, I..." April began.

Jackson cut her off. "It's not your business. Goodnight." he disappeared into his room.

And that could have been the final nail in the coffin for their co-habitation but for a fairly shocking development just a day later.

The call came from Catherine after Jackson had already left for Montana. She had barely enough time to pump some nourishment for Harriet, pack herself and her daughter, and grab a cab for the airport.

"This should be interesting" she muttered under her breath.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're heading toward a collision. We now know what happens in Montana.  
> But what happens when they return to Seattle?
> 
> Thanks for reading. As always, Comment are much appreciated.


	5. Now What

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Montana in the Avery jet's rearview mirror, what will happen to Jackson and April?  
> Does what happens in Montana stay in Montana?  
> Did meeting his father actually change anything for Jackson?  
> Will April's professional, emotional, and physical support of him affect their lives in Seattle?
> 
> For the answers to these burning questions, read on.

Jackson left his mother's place, having just dropped off Harriet and the weeks worth of supplies that seemed to accompany her every trip out the door. He was thankful that his mother had been able to take her at the last minute, since April had texted mid-afternoon she had another commitment this evening and needed him to take care of Harriet.

They had returned from Montana only the previous afternoon. While both recognized that what had happened in Montana had drastically altered their orbit, neither was sure of how to proceed in this altered reality. To all appearances, this meant that each had independently agreed to avoidance. They were avoiding talking about it. They were avoiding acting differently around each other. And they were avoiding jumping into bed together. Again.

Jackson, for his part, was onboard with not talking about it yet. He was onboard with pretending things were perfectly pre-Montana, without the hostility. He was less onboard about avoiding sex.

Sex with April had always been intoxicating to him. He was hopelessly addicted to her in that way. And just like any other addiction, being with her in Montana had just put him right back in the thick of his need. But last night he had watched her carefully for any signal that she felt the same way and been disappointed not to recognize one. So they had slept apart, each in their own bed, in their own rooms.

This morning they had rushed to get back into their morning routine and barely made it to the hospital on time. As usual, upon returning to work after an absence, he was forced to fight his way through the work that had piled up while he was gone. So he didn't even catch a glimpse of her throughout most of the day. Jackson's fantasy of April beckoning him into an on-call room never materialized, much to his disappointment.

He finally did see her when she texted again that she would meet him in daycare at 5:30.

He was there at 5:15, though it meant sticking poor Ben with finishing the debraiding of a nasty burn that had come in that morning. He had Harriet giggling and gurgling when April walked in just before 5:30. He passed Harriet to his ex and watched April blow raspberries against her daughter's exposed tummy.

A few minutes later April passed Harriet back to her father. “Thanks so much for taking her tonight. I'm sorry for the late notice but Catherine gave me a binder of policies and procedures to review for Chicago next week.”

A few days ago that simple statement would have have undoubtedly triggered a negative reaction from Jackson. After Montana though, Jackson had a new appreciation for his mother's meddling. And he found himself remembering that April was, after all, a kickass surgeon in her own right.

“No problem. Take all the time you need. We got it covered, don't we baby?” he said. Harriet blew a spit bubble to confirm they did, in fact, have it covered.

He saw April give him a strange little look, which quickly gave way to a smile.”OK, see you tonight.”

A little surge of hope sprang up in Jackson's heart. Did that look and _cya_ indicate that there might be a romantic rendezvous in their future? Their near future?

Now he made his way toward Dawson's office and his eight o'clock appointment. He had called and been happy to confirm the appointment. He had a whole lot he wanted to discuss with her tonight. He looked forward to her reaction to his meeting his father, and developments with April. _Tonight, maybe, I'll get to shock her system a little._

He pressed the intercom in the hallway to announce his presence and let himself let in. It buzzed back and he entered the outer office waiting area. The door to Dawson's office itself was closed, which surprised him. Dawson only closed that when she had a client with her, and in Jackson's previous visits, there had never been someone immediately ahead of his eight o'clock. Probably a new client, he reasoned, and sat down in one of the overstuffed lounge chairs.

Just as he settled in though, the door to Dawson's office opened and Doctor Dawson stood in it. “Jackson, welcome back, come on in.”

 _Welcome back_? That was kind of odd. She was the one who had canceled on him last week.

“I saw your door closed and thought you may have another patient.” Jackson explained as he followed her into the office, making his way toward one of the two high-backed chairs on this side of her desk.

“Well, of course..” he heard her begin. But by then he had reached the chairs and could see for himself why her door had been closed.

The first thing he saw as he approached was that red hair. That first glimpse of it brought a sudden stop to his forward progress and his breathing as well. The chair swiveled part way round and he found himself looking down at her, astonished to find her here.

“April, what the hell are you doing here?”

Before April could reply, Dawson, who had just reached her desk herself, exclaimed “Wait, what? April, you told me Jackson asked you to come.”

April shifted her gaze back and forth between the two a few times before she nervously admitted, “I may have stretched the truth about that a little.”

“A little? April, you didn't stretch any truth. There was no truth to stretch. You lied. Just like you did with Kamal.” a stunned Jackson answered.

“But look how well that turned out.” April protested, trying to maintain a hopeful smile.

Dawson took a step and practically fell into her chair. “Oh, April. Oh, April” she repeated.

“How did you even know about this?” Jackson asked.

“Well, uh, I sort of heard about it last week.”

“Last week?”

“Yes, when they called you to cancel your appointment.” she replied sheepishly. This had all gone so much better in her head.

“When they called? But they never ca...” Jackson whipped his phone out of his pocket and quickly swiped a few times. There it was.

“Oh, April” Dawson said again. She seemed to be stuck there.

Jackson was still too surprised to figure out whether he was mad, relieved, outraged, or happy about this turn of events. While he knew he should be furious at her, he couldn't help being a little glad to see her, even under these circumstances.

“Wait, wasn't it that evening that you took Harriet out of daycare without me?” Jackson was starting to put the pieces together now. It was kind of difficult, because right now he was inclined to look at the world as _Before Montana_ and _After Montana_.

“Yes.” April answered, “But I already explained that to you.”

Jackson's expression did the talking for him.

“Alright, yes! Finding out about this did piss me off. More.” April admitted.

“Oh, April” Dawson said for the fourth time.

Simultaneously April and Jackson turned to her. “Shut Up!”

Realizing what they had done they turned back toward each other. Then, to Dawson's amazement, they started laughing. They laughed until they both had tears streaming down their faces. It was a full two minutes before either of them could form a word.

“She can't say anything,” gasped April amid giggles, “besides _Oh, April_.”

“And she's the frickin counselor.” answered Jackson between fits of laughter.

“Kind of limited, isn't she?”

“Not very therapeutic.”

“But I do feel better.”

“Must be the _Oh_.”

In her long career counseling at risk marriages, Kim Dawson had never quite encountered anything like this. While she didn't exactly relish being laughed at by these two, she was smart enough to realize that this laughter, be it at her expense, was infinitely preferable and more beneficial than the other potential outcomes of April's little surprise. So she was content to let it run its course.

Finally April and Jackson regained their composure and stifled the last of their mirth.

“Well, I can see that things have changed since the last time I met with both of you.”

“Well, we are divorced, we have a daughter, and we are back living together.” answered April.

“Yes, Jackson had already made me aware of this. I'm not speaking about living situations or logistical differences. I'm talking about changes in your body language, your non-verbal communication, and the seeming absence of tension between you in a situation that seems to scream out for some.”

April and Jackson looked at each other.

“I think she means you intercepting my phone calls and then ambushing and hijacking my counseling appointment.” Jackson suggested.

April nodded. “OK, that makes sense. I thought maybe she was talking about you going behind my back to return to counseling after giving up on it so quickly when I was trying to save our marriage.”

Jackson considered. “That's a possibility too. Maybe we should ask her to clarify what she's talking about.”

“OK.” April agreed. “Doctor Dawson, which situation are you referring to?”

“You two are too cute but don't think for a minute that you can charm your way around me. Let me do my job.” Dawson was determined to quell this little uprising and take this as an opportunity to resolve the issues that still divided them.

Chastened, April and Jackson wiped the smiles off of their faces and tried to refocus on the task at hand. Dawson weighed where best to begin.

“Jackson, perhaps we should fill April in on our previous discussions as a starting point.” Dawson proposed.

Jackson looked a little uncomfortable at this suggestion. “I'm not sure that's relevant.”

“It seems very relevant to me. Boiled down, the issues we identified were the things you yourself said drove you apart.” 

As if to protest, Jackson opened his mouth but it was April who cut him off.

“I wasn't there for him, when he needed me to be.” she said sadly. “I acted selfishly. I left him. I abandoned him to go find my own healing.”

Jackson sat upright, leaning toward her. “No. No, April, you didn't. You didn't abandon me. You had nothing left to heal me with. You were mortally wounded. And so was I. It's just that you recognized it. You went to find healing so you could come back and heal me.”

“I shouldn't have gone.”

“You had to. I know that now. I know what abandoning looks like now. That's what my father did. But not you. That was not that. And you came back.”

“And left again.”

“You needed more. And I pretended I was whole. And I wasn't. And I told you not to go but I wasn't honest about why. I was too hurt to let you know how much. And you came back.”

“Too late. Too little.”

“Because I had already decided. Just like before. I decided you didn't love me enough and I wasn't going to let you convince me otherwise. I was too afraid of being hurt again. And every time you got close I put up another wall. No matter how loudly you said it, I wasn't going to hear. You had no chance. I made sure _we_ had no chance.”

“Some mistakes you pay for the rest of your life.” said April.

“And some you learn from, grow from, give and receive forgiveness for. And some can be undone.”

April and Jackson looked at each other. Dawson might as well have been on Mars for they were focused only on each other.

“Do you really think so?” asked April quietly and cautiously.

“I do.” answered Jackson.

“It won't be easy.” she warned.

“But it will be worth it.” he reassured her.

“Can we go slow this time?”

“Whatever speed you want. We have the rest of our lives.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

  
  


After seeing them out, Dawson closed the door of her office. She went back to her desk and sat down, both exhausted and exhilarated. Reaching into her bottom drawer, she retrieved a glass and a bottle of amber liquid. She poured herself a couple of  _fingers_ and placed the cap back on the bottle.

As she took a drink she reflected on the history she'd now shared with April and Jackson.

“The greatest comeback in marriage counseling history.” she declared quietly.

“Damn, I'm good!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tried not to get too angsty here but wanted to make sure we got some stuff resolved.  
> I actually hope the show takes it's time to do the same as these characters are so interesting and well acted I think there's all kinds of good stuff to be had there.
> 
> Thanks for reading. Of course, comments are very welcome.


End file.
